je suis béni, en effet.

mom ties the traditional crimmas apron over whitney's superman night shirt for the preparation of the feast last thanksgiving (2009)

With nine bottles of empty nog (and counting) down the hatches of this nest....I AM READY FOR THE HOLIDAZE.  Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown.

The weird thing about Christmas and the like is that it actually sometimes seems like the most dysfunctional of all families turn to it the most.  This is not a sweeping statement and I do understand that it can be difficult for a lot of people and sad and confusing.  But.  For my family, it really is the most magical sensation.  Christmas is our redeeming quality, the thing that makes up for all of our wrongs and tantrums and nervous breakdowns and menial quarrels throughout the year.  We come together, we cuddle, we make fun, we eat, and we drink until the bottles are empty.  From what I've heard so far, this year's kickoff to christmas (turkey day) might prove to be the most epic yet.  Almost, if not all, of the Pardews will be there and who knows who else.  The women in my family don't make babies so much as they do litters you see - there are A LOT of us.
I am the happiest I have ever been in my life because for the last year I have 'calmed down.' Owl has helped me do this.  With the visit of some great friends, I realized how completely different my disposition is now from what it was before I met him.  I am happy, I am relaxed, I am excited.  (mostly for CHRISTMAS) but excited nonetheless.
And truly, I have never felt so 'like myself' to others than I do now.   Yesterday I slipped back into my lower self and it spiraled down into what became quite the anxiety attack.  The problem is that what everyone normally says to calm themselves or others down, made and makes me panic all the worse.
Four powerful words.  "Everything will be okay."
Four powerful words that seem to be the perfect dillema of hope - the longer it is around the less powerful it seems to become.  Everything will work out and there is nothing Major to worry about.  But that's what I do best.  And that's why I'm glad Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow.  All I really need to do right now is look at the things I have in my life that I had ALWAYS hoped for.  and breathe and smile. 


and eat.